Traditional Christmas songs flow through car radios as families drive to visit a loved one who can’t be at the holiday gathering. Swooping cursive letters address greeting cards that won’t be opened until the recipient returns home. And the holiday magic gets clouded. 

It’s hard for everyone when a loved one is in the hospital this time of year.

Guilt looms over those who still attend festive events, and others flirt with burnout as they dedicate time and energy to keeping their hospitalized loved one in high spirits. 

But you can find a balance between sacrificing yourself to preserve a loved one’s holiday and forgetting them as you navigate the festivities without them.

Jared Mueller, a licensed independent social worker, shares strategies for creating a joyful holiday experience for those you love who are in the hospital without forgetting to enjoy the season for yourself.

Have a conversation

Is it OK to attend holiday functions without your loved one who’s in the hospital? Should you spend all your time by their side? How can you ensure you’re doing enough for them?

Instead of overthinking, Jared recommends opening that dialogue with your loved one. 

“Those conversations can really help you and them know what to expect as opposed to either of you hoping you did enough,” Jared says. 

Approach the conversation with an idea of when you plan to visit or call or what you plan to bring—to help them know what to expect. Some loved ones may say they need company, while others insist you spend your holiday as you normally do. 

“Find that middle ground between what you’re able to do and what they want from you.” 

Define a holiday

Coming to that agreement may require flexibility. Jared says the key is understanding what makes the season special for you or your loved ones. 

“We need to define what a holiday is,” Jared says, “because as we age, as we have health issues, as we spread out, if we keep the old definitions, we’re setting ourselves up for failure.” 

Understanding your and your loved one’s definition of a holiday will help you know how to preserve the important elements, instead of focusing on what makes this year different. 

If the shared meal is most important, plan to pack leftovers and bring them to the hospital to share. If it’s time spent together at home, consider delaying your family gathering until your loved one can come home. 

“A Wednesday birthday waits for the weekend,” Jared says. “In the same way, be creative enough to make what you want and what you need happen. It can really allow you to have meaning in your holidays and not let the world’s calendar decide your calendar.” 

This might mean waiting until February to celebrate Christmas or mailing gifts instead of exchanging them in person. But keeping the essence of a holiday intact will help it feel just as special. 

Making spirits bright

Instead of fretting over what to bring your loved one for Christmas dinner or how to decorate their hospital room, know that considering your loved one’s preferences, however minor, is the best thing you can do. 

“When you’re intentional about everything you do, the smallest things mean so much. If you’re not, the biggest things won’t matter,” Jared says. “If you know they don’t like turkey, don’t bring them turkey.” 

With a loved one in the hospital, the reality is this holiday will be different. Shifting the focus from perfection to intentionality will help you make the most of the moments you spend with them. 

Instead of feeling the need to put on a big production to cheer them up, being intentional about personalizing their experience tells your loved one they matter to you. 

Don’t forget about yourself

And don’t forget to allow yourself some of the joy you’re creating for your loved one. 

“If you’re pouring out of an empty cup, you can’t give much,” Jared says. “You’re not going to bring your loved one the joy you’re trying to bring them if you’re miserable.” 

Taking time to care for yourself puts you in the best position to cheer up your loved ones. 

“Self-care is the most loving thing we can do for the people we care about,” Jared says. “Not only are we a better person for them, but we’re modeling that for them.” 

And beyond finding joy for them, your loved one wants you to have that happiness for yourself, too. 

“Your loved one wants you to be happy,” Jared says. “So coming back to that idea can really help ground you and help you enjoy the holidays because your loved one would want you to.”